As I sat looking at the blank screen, the blinking cursor dared me to begin what I wanted to, I couldn’t help but feel more lost than ever.
The letter D glared at me. The sole letter which had been sitting on the white page for a while, waiting for more words to join it, mocked me. Today was a day I thought I would not need to think. I foolishly thought that my fingers would fly on the keyboard and not stop until my machine ran out of battery or my mind out of words. But I was wrong. Here I am, staring at the screen for the past hour, just thinking about everything I wanted to share today. Well, it has to start somewhere. So lets do this.
Dec 2015 – After being married for 3 years, we had decided to start a family. I enjoyed a smooth pregnancy with no major challenges except for the delivery which had to be through a c-sec. I delivered a healthy baby boy and nothing could have made me happier. Barring a jaundice episode which took us back to the hospital, it was all well in paradise.
Jan 2016 – My recovery had a few hiccups. My stitches got infected and the recovery took longer than usual. With determination and love in my heart – I started out on my motherhood journey, enjoying every moment with my son, documenting his every first, his every milestone, his every development. My life revolved around looking after and raising Rehaan.
June 2016 – My maternity leave had ended and I was to return to my job. But destiny had some other plans for me. People who I had been banking on, who had initially been in agreement and supported the idea of me going back to work, bailed out. Long story short – I sent in my resignation.
So here goes. This is where my tryst with Depression began.
But before I go any further. For those who are in a habit of forming a judgement on the little or no knowledge they have on depression, I do love my son. That’s all such ignorant people deserve to know. Maybe not even this much.
And for those who ask “Then why did you have a baby?” My PPD (postpartum depression) has nothing to do with my baby. Sometimes, you don’t know what hits you until it does. If given a chance to go back in time, I would do it all over again. Just better equipped, a lot more prepared and with a hell lot of fewer expectations.
Back to June 2016 and the months that ensued.
I had by then been working for over 15 years. Fiercely independent, extremely ambitious and financially stable. Now all of a sudden, I had all of that taken away. Day after day, I felt trapped, suffocated. On the outwards, to most of the people, I was perfectly fine, maybe an exhausted new mother, but otherwise fine. It wasn’t as much about the career as it was about being confined within those four walls. Barring the mornings and late evenings, I was pretty much alone with my son. As a mother, I was succeeding tremendously. But as an individual, I was failing miserably. Even after months. I was not able to “accept” this new way of life. I felt caged. I felt heavy. I felt this inexplicable amount of sadness inside. To escape these feelings, I immersed myself deeper into looking after my son, playing with him, setting up activities, decking up his room, etc. The outcome was a tired body but an exhausted mind. Which didn’t help by-the-way.
For a while, I managed to keep up the facade, the pretences. I never let the gloom shadow my son. But the darkness engulfed me bit by bit. There were days when I would lock my room, sit in the farthest corner, where my son could not hear me and bawl my eyes out. There were moments I thought I would lose my sanity. There were times when I would shut myself in the hazy maze of my emotions unable to talk to anyone. There were days when I wanted to give up, give up on trying to feel better. There were days when all I wanted to do was run away. But the only reason I stayed put and sane was my son, my family.
I started drowning. I didn’t want to go anywhere, meet anyone. But apprearances had to be kept up with. My friends slowly drifted away. It was then I found support in a group of fellow moms. They understood without being judgemental. Be it day or night, they were there. They helped me pull through. My husband took a while to understand just how severe my PPD was becoming. But when he did, he stood by me, with me, rock solid. My Mom and my sister always just a call away. Cheering me up, making sure I wasn’t ever alone.
Depression is a dark place to be. PPD is worse. Insomnia, lack of appetite, intense mood swings, and sometimes even difficulty bonding with the baby. The more severe cases can lead to self-harm or harm to the baby. Fortunately for me, my son has been my ray of light and in a way, he helped me fight it. He is the one who kept me going.
People misunderstand Depression. They confuse it with mood swings or PMS. They assume it’s a phase. Or in case of PPD = a case of baby blues. Well, it isn’t.
I’ve been told things like “you’re not the only one who’s given birth”. True. I am not the only one. But I am the one struggling and battling it. I’ve been “assured”, you will be fine. Well, clearly I am not and unless you are God granting me a miraculous gift, I won’t be fine just because you said so.
Left untreated, PPDepression can lead to serious consequences ranging from the inability to bond with the baby to chronic depressive disorder to relationship problems. But there are treatments (including but not limited to) therapy, counselling, antidepressants and self-care.
Fortunately for me, I found support. A little late, but none-the-less. Not everyone is so lucky. One out of seven women suffer from PPD. And more often than not its ignored.
If you are suffering, seek help. Do not isolate yourself, that will only aggravate it further. Talk to people you trust. Let it out. Go to a therapist. Join yoga. Meditate. Go for walks. Take action.
Next time you see an over-exhausted mom or notice any of the symptoms shared, talk to her. Let her know its ok to seek help. That yes, it’s not a good place to be, but there’s a way out. That she’s not alone. You are right there, walking step by step, with her.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story of PPD. I had the same trapped and confined within four walls feelings with my firstborn son. Some days I felt like I was “chained to the couch” and was too anxious to leave the house. It got better, but those first few months were dark, and I think every woman should be made aware of the reality of PPD/PPA, and that it is ok to get help and support if she needs it.
I understand how difficult it must have been for you to write this post. Depression in any form is hard to deal with. One should never hesitate to seek help. I am glad that you feel better now! More power to you 🙂
Well, TBH, pretty much every mommy I know, struggled with PPD at some point. It’s inevitable. You are left with literally no control over your life as the little bundle of joy you brought into this world takes over. Yes, family & friend’s support matter, however, most of them are none the wiser. Ultimately, we need to reach out and make them understand that this is not just something that will pass without any intervention.
Finally read it. You are one brave girl <3 I, of course, cannot relate to the PPD part but I understand "depression" to some extent. Following your advice 🙂
You stood strong and I am happy you got support in time.
Thanks for sharing the story, a lot of women who are going through PPD or might do in future, would know what to do.
xo!
Post-partum is quite common and in the bubble of great Indian motherhood often ignored form of depression, I wnet through it too alone, led to a suicide attempt, in fact two over the years and other issues.
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may you always find light
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There has to be more of such acceptances that depression does exist and its not – it will get over or you will get over it. It has to be acknowledged and accepted by people around us too.
Thank you for sharing.
I was suffering from this but never knew of it. Years later when my kids are grown up I understood what had happened.
I totally understand and what helped me was taking time off for myself.
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Thanks for sharing. Depression is real and we must be open about it. In fact, we need to open up about mental health issues, instead of treating them in a joking manner.
I am so sorry you had to go through this, but glad to know you found people who understood what you’re going through. Your post is sure to help clueless new Mom who may be blaming themselves or underplaying how they feel. Hope you are better now.
This one shook me. Such raw emotion. Such pain. I can’t imagine how difficult it must to be write about it, let alone going through it. It is great that you spoke about it, urging other women to get help.
Depression is a silent killer. One should better find measures to cure it before it’s too late.
I’m not a mother but I can well understand what you’ve gone through. I’m also undergoing a therapy for severe depression and know very well how judgmental people can be, especially in a society that gives zero value to mental well-being of its citizens. More strength to you. 🙂
My best friend went through this exact same thing. I read out your post to her, and she had tears in her eyes. Depression can hit anyone at any time. We need to be more understanding and open in talking about it.
Thanks for sharing your PPD experience. I am sorry you had to go through it but am sure you are now a much stronger person.
Love and best wishes!
It takes courage to write down personal experiences !!! Hats off to your will power that helped to come out of depression.
Bravo.. You go girl.. I can feel you.. How hard it must have been.. Stay strong and be blessed.
That’s so brave of you to talk about depression, particularly, post-partum. It is mostly ignored and can get worse if not given proper attention.
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It takes courage to share stories of the battles we fight behind closed doors. But, this is life–the life most of us live and therefore, it is best to share it, to let it all out. I am glad you shared your story; there are countless mothers out there going through the same thing you did and would find solace in knowing that they are not alone. I am glad you felt better with time, help and support from your family. These times also show who really care for us and who don’t!
Take care! <3
I am glad you shared the story of your battle with depression. That is life, isn’t it, the kind we live behind closed doors? Then, why not share it and let someone out there know that they are not alone! I am sure there are a countless mothers out there suffering through what you did. Your courage at facing it and fighting it will give others the courage to face their battles, too. I am glad you felt better with time and support from your family.
Take care! <3
Thank you Shilpa. It’s a journey I am still on. But a lot more positive than before.
With thanks! Valuable information!
Hats off to you for sharing your story… I have been through these same emotions and this was many moons ago when social media and mommy groups etc were not so common. I would think that something is wrong with me and I am not capable of being a good mom, since I should be feeling happy instead of being sad, and knowledge and awareness of PPD was not so much… so it took me a while to figure out what these roller coaster feelings/ emotions were… Thankfully having support form family and a bunch of good friends helped me through this phase. And now finally even back to working after a long 7-year break and 2 children, am glad I did get to spend some free time with them too 🙂
With thanks! Valuable information!
That must have been a difficult and liberating post to write. Glad to know you found your footing again.