I remember writing this letter to myself sometime last year. Motherhood is a 24/7, exhilarating yet exhausting job. Bottle and Breastfeedings, diaper change, laundry, cooking, organizing activities for the child, home schooling and later school homework. Sometime during this time, life passes you by. Mommyhood is a never-ending responsibility. One that consumes all your time and energy. While initially, the child is totally dependent on the mother and his only solace in this big bright world, being completely immersed in the role is inevitable.

When the celebration of the arrival of the new baby fades away, when the excitement of the latest addition becomes old news, when the responsibilities of motherhood take over, is when the tug of war starts. The war between a woman and a mother.

We look in the mirror yet we cant find ourselves.

WHY?

Often mothers lose themselves in the world of motherhood. Our priorities move from ourselves to the baby long after the baby turns into a toddler and then a young child. We immerse ourselves so deep into looking after and caring for the baby that we end up neglecting ourselves. We are often so busy taking care of everyone else that we neglect to take care of ourselves. And if we fail to take care of ourselves, how can we take care of our children?

Many mothers find themselves at this crossroad where they are torn between taking out time for self vs spending time with the baby. And if somehow they do manage to grab some time out for themselves, they are ridden by the guilt of having prioritized themselves over their children. They demonstrate to the kids that they are low on their own list of priorities.

Mommies! STOP! BREATHE! RELAX! It doesn’t have to be a tug of war! Small things make a huge difference.

• Hand over the baby for a few hours. Your baby is loved just the same by your husband and family as you.
• When they offer help, grab it!
• Stop multi-tasking as if your life depends on it.
• Learn to say no
• Do not judge yourself
• Go for a walk
• Exercise
• Meditate
• Go to a coffee shop – even if you are not a coffee drinker
• Go on a date night with hubby
• Meet friends
• Listen to music
• Go for a movie
• Read a book
• Sleep
• Take out time for that hobby you loved
• Go for a spa
• Oil your hair
• Remember who YOU are.

Remember you cannot pour from an empty vessel. Take care of yourself. Start giving yourself time. Spend time rediscovering the most important person in your life – YOU.

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Leave aside the external factors, one of the biggest reasons for the failure is because we end up expecting too much. I am a culprit too. We expect from our partner, from our families, from friends, from children, from neighbours, from society, from colleagues, from the governing parties, from EVERYONE and that includes yourself.

Broadly speaking, there are two species of this monster. There are Expectations you have from people and Expectations that people have of you.

I remember attending a workshop at The Landmark Forum which made me do a deep dive assessment of my behaviour and how it was impacting my present and shaping my future. One of those introspections included the expectations that weigh us down. And more importantly the stress on how, more often than not, it’s our expectation of people that disappoint us. It was not something I didn’t already know. Yet it brought with it an epiphany of how I was the one responsible for ruining my mood, day after day.

Even Alexander Pope (the greatest English poet of the eighteenth century) said and I quote “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” One of the key factors that helped me resurface from my blues postpartum was acknowledging this fact. Not that I am immune to this syndrome now, I am just more conscious of the fact that I control what I feel. I can either feel let down when my expectation – which was set by me – was not met. Or I can simply not expect much from others. The choice is mine.

The other species – people’s expectation from you is even more interesting.

Some 8 or 9 years back when my parents started looking for a match for me, one of the first questions they were asked is if I could cook. I think those people had confused the job profile of a chef to a wife. Well, such were their expectations from the woman they wanted to welcome in the family. Thank heavens, I didn’t apply for that role. They would have had to spend their life regretting hiring me.

I got married in 2011 and remember the events that led up to my wedding day. One of the first on my to-do list was to finalize the invitation list. I remember having multiple discussions on why we had to invite “family” we hadn’t spoken to in years and met even less. The logic I was given was that they had invited us to their son’s/daughter’s wedding some 15 years back and would expect an invitation. I don’t even remember these distant relative’s faces. Alas, they were invited. And when they approached us on stage to give us the customary congratulatory blessings, all I could muster was a Hello Uncle & Aunty for I didn’t even remember if they were my chacha/chachi/bua/mama/maami/maasi…you get the idea.

When the news of my pregnancy spread and congratulatory wished flew in, also came in remarks as to how I will have to be strong and look after the baby (isn’t carrying a baby for nine months and going through delivery enough proof of a woman’s strength?). How I will need to look after the baby day and night. My husband would return exhausted from work and need rest and “proper” sleep to return to work the next day. Well, what about the mother who has gone through an excruciating labour/c-sec and needs rest for recovery, yet is managing and taking care of a newborn baby. OMG! The expectations people have!

People expect you to “like” every one of their 7654 photos on FB from the same vacation. They expect you to show up just because they have invited you even if its 56 seconds before the party kick-off time. They expect you to have all answers. They expect you to raise a perfect kid. They expect you to respond to every one of their WhatsApp messages.

The examples are aplenty. Kya kahenge Log. Sabse bada yeh rog (What will people say, the biggest disorder). Somebody once said to me that expectations are disappointments in the making. The burden of these expectation creates a false sense of how things should be.

It’s alright to have expectations. However, you also need to accept that they won’t always come through. It’s best to be prepared in case what you expect doesn’t happen. Liberate yourself from the trap these expectations lay. It’s a beautiful journey from there on.

 “Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.”
― Brandon Sanderson

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